January 2016 – Cars Break

2015 Tesla Model S P85D: Rocket Space Car from Planet Barf.

Don’t let the title get you down: this is a rocket space car first. The barf only comes as a result of our weak human stomachs.

You may have heard that the P85D does 0-60 in 3.1 seconds but then Tesla lovingly came out with an over-the-air software update that gave people “ludicrous” mode and whittled that number down to 2.7. That’s very quick to 60 mph by nearly any standard. One thing you must understand, however is that this car will go 0-40mph in 1.5 seconds. That’s not acceleration. That’s gunfire. There’s your puke party. When you floor it from a stand-still it really feels like you’re being launched into space.

If you’re into internet you’ve probably seen The Oatmeal’s take on the Model S. It’s an impressive tribute from a self proclaimed non-car guy. It’s a bit crude and boils down to asking Elon Musk for a donation to his Nikola Tesla museum but he does bring some some very good points. One of which is the singularity this car shoves in our faces: you don’t need to burn gasoline to get around. This seemingly obvious fact has been challenged unsuccessfully for about 100 years and Tesla is the first one to really pull it off. That’s pretty darn impressive when you consider a few global brands have given it a shot.

And did you know the Model S can carry 7 people!? Pretty insane, although it’s not 7 full-sized adults, it’s bringing flex seating back station wagon style.

The final 2 seats are more kid-sized but when you’re hauling 7 people around chances are some of them are going to be sub-100 pounders. Although this seems like a risky proposition you can rest easy knowing that the Model S is the only car to get a 5 star safety rating on every test and the only car to break the machine trying to test how strong it is.

If you’ve ever wanted the coolness of having a trunk up front without the mid-engine price, Tesla is for you. Just look at this front trunk! You can put things in there and fulfill every single one of your childhood dreams.

If you were wondering about the name, the 85 part stands for the wattage of the motor and the D part stands for “dual” motors, as in one for the front and one for the rear. What helps the P85D achieve it’s “ludicrous” acceleration is the fact that it’s all-wheel drive, which helps in the snow, too.

The central screen that controls the climate, radio, and settings can only be described as super gigantic. It’s the focal point of the interior because you pretty much can’t see anything else.

Controls are easy to find and it’s fairly straightforward to operate but it’s a little scary trusting so much to a touch screen when you’re used to physical nobs. It’s nice to grab something of substance when you’re too warm or want to change the station if more of that hipster garbage music comes on.

One advantage, however, to all the software business is that Tesla can make your car cooler overnight while you’re sleeping. In addition to making it accelerate faster they can make your car self-driving. And have. All of a sudden Model S’ss’ around the nation were updated with a “semi-autonomous” function where if you pull back twice on the cruise control lever it will guide itself down your current path, hands free, feet free. It’s mentally straining to let the car take over but it’s magical golden joy sauce when it works. It’s sort of unbelievable. You’re supposed to keep your hands lightly on the wheel, however, even in this semi-auto mode. It’s not perfect I guess but in my experience using it I was very impressed and found myself trusting it’s abilities more and more. All hail our new overlord: the mythical blue lines of semi-autonomous driving.

Facts about this car that actually matter to anyone wanting one:

Price for the good one: $130k
Range: claimed 280 miles, real world: 220
Time to full charge at home: 8 hrs
Time to 80% charge at supercharger: 45 min
Charging port: painfully cool that they located INSIDE the taillight. A section swings open to reveal a glowing electro-snake receptacle.

So while the P85D is way out of reach for the lay person, it’s proof that the electric car is not only possible, but it can be luxurious and fun. While some people may have thought he Model X was going to be the Tesla available to the average working American, this model is actually identical to the Model S in drivetrain and costs a bit more. Sorry, folks.

Good news, though: many people anxiously await the Model 3 which is claimed to arrive in 2017 at a starting price in the $30k neighborhood. If Tesla can deliver on a car that’s even 1/4 as good as the Model S for 1/4 the price I think they’ll have a winner. Especially if the range is anywhere near the 300 mile mark.

2016 Ducati Scrambler: Nearly perfect.

Back in my single days my buddy and I would on occasion relate to one another experiences in courtship using automotive analogies. A Ferrari, for example, is very impressive by way of looks but the drawbacks are obvious – with high performance comes almost unbearable maintenance. When you’ve got such accentuated strengths, the weaknesses that accompany can be a real drag. Ferraris only carry 2 people comfortably, should never ever tow a trailer, get bad gas mileage, need a valve adjustment every 10k miles, and scrape on every speedbump. Sure a BMW 3-Series won’t do 12 second 1/4 miles or give you a stomach cramp doing a 0-60 run, but they’re pretty dang fast, come with a great stereo, can outrun a surprising number of cars on a twisty track, and can tow a decent sized trailer with a couple dirtbikes! And they’re less likely to cheat on you 😉

I give you the BMW 3-series of motorcycles: the Ducati Scrambler.

Is it the fastest 0-60? No. 3.4 seconds on a motorcycle is like 6.0 seconds on 4 wheels but the truth is you can beat 80% of cars on the road. Is it the fastest flat-out? Not even close, sorry. 120mph is kinda lame for a bike these days. BUT, it does weigh less than 400lbs and it DOES do a 12.0 second 1/4mi; you’ll smoke nearly anything under $200k! AND it can drift in the dirt while carrying a passenger (if you’re both a little nuts). That’s serious versatility, folks. If you own one 2-wheeled creation, I dare say this is it. The seating position is very comfortable, the footpegs are in the right place, the bars aren’t too low or too high, and it gets 43 mpg.

Did I mention it’s a wheelie machine? Since you’re more upright and have a nice wide grip on the bars this bike is really quite easy to rear with a modest degree of control. The very torquey v-twin makes just the right amount of power to get you in the air at low speeds and have a little fun. Props to Ducati on choosing an air-cooled setup on this bike, too. One less thing to worry about that lets you spend more time on the road and less in the garage.

I kind of feel like an old man now that I may have enjoyed a ride on a “standard” style bike instead of a thoroughbred racer, but this Duc is way too much fun.

2016 BMW i8: Much future, many fast, wow.

The i8 is the first BMW in mod’n times with super sweet swing-up doors. And they work great! I was expecting them to be difficult to close and cumbersome to open but was pleasantly surprised.
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Getting in, however is a bit of a chore. Pretend you have a mini-skirt on, turn around, bend at the knees while keeping your legs together and fall backward onto the seat. That’s the routine I found myself performing upon entry. Plus there’s a rather tall lip to overcome when you get into the car due to a carbon-fiber bucket the majority of the frame is composed of.

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One strange thing I’ve noticed about 2012+ BMW’s is they all have this v8-sounding throaty exhaust note regardless of engine configuration. The 328’s I-4, M4’s I-6, etc. The i8 is probably the most surprising vehicle to sing that song because it only has 3 fuel-burning cylinders. And it sounds fantastic.

Acceleration really feels like a standard petrol car, there’s no strange rush of space-god force attacking your rear like in a Model-S or whining electric noise like in the i3. All you can hear is the beautiful exhaust note an a subtle squish noise from your face smiling.

Supposedly if you drive like a grandma (who’s not a car enthusiast) you can get about 100mpg but in the real world and under normal driving with the occasional burn of glee I’m guessing you’ll see something like 40mpg. Pretty impressive for a car that can blast you to 60 mph in 4.2 seconds.

2016 Ducati Panigale: Executioner’s assistant

Ducati’s sport bikes are raw. I haven’t yet ridden one that didn’t immediately communicate that it preferred me dead. 999R, 1198S, doesn’t matter which one they all have a hellacious midrange and just when you thought the excitement was over they punch you in the face with ridiculous peak horsepower that doesn’t seem possible from a V-twin.

The Panigale is no exception. While it’s no 999 or 1198, it still makes plenty of power and is all Ducati. That means an aggressive riding position, rock hard seat, and some fun tech to go with it. Much like modern performance cars the Panigale has standard, sport, and race modes with gear indicator, lap timer, and shift light included.

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Like most peaky sport bikes the 899 doesn’t get exciting until you’re past 6,000 rpm but with a redline of nearly 11,000 there’s plenty of room to burn through the gears. With the engine in the go-range it sounds celestial. And the stock exhaust is decently loud as is. Brembo brakes are standard up front and in the rear. Tons of feel and more than enough stopping power.

Overall it’s a track-day weapon and an around-town jaw-dropper. One thing the Italians always seem to get right is looks and they’ve done marvelously with this bike. One advantage over the 999 and older Duc’s is your butt doesn’t get slow-roasted by the exhaust. The lowering of the center of gravity by placing the exhaust down low I’m sure helps shave off a hundredth of a second on the track, but practically speaking it’s just nice not to get burned. Both the passenger’s legs and your rear end.

At $15,500 it’s not exactly cheap but the Italians have never shipped bright red sex appeal to the US at a bargain.

2016 BMW X6M: Why not?

There are so many ways BMW packages it’s lethal twin turbo 4.4L V8 you might as well go with some extra cargo room. M5 has dominated the mid-sized dragon-slayer sedan category for decades now and the 2016 is no exception. It’s fast, handles well, stops incredibly well, and is basically a super car with a back seat. But what if you could tow a boat and fold the seats down to make room for a welder or cabinet piece?

I guess that’s where the X6M comes in. In short, it’s really weird. If you’re always fantasized about owning 550hp grocery getter then look no further; a grocery getter that has a slightly sleeker profile that the X5. And that’s not an M5. BMW has so many platforms a person has to take up a new hobby in Bavarian naming conventions to keep them all straight.

In the cockpit it’s typically Beemer comforts like heads up display, great sound, adaptive cruise, etc. Moving as quickly as this car does while sitting higher up like an SUV is a weird but fantastic feeling. Even with it’s massive 285mm paws in the rear it can still light them up if you romp on it in 1st gear with the traction control off.

My favorite thing about this car is the raspy, angry exhaust note they gave it. To me it sounds significantly more pissed off than the M5.

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BMW i3: A bit too much future

When you first get in the car you really don’t know where to begin. Even as an experienced BMW pilot I had to fish around for a few minutes to find the engine ‘start’ button much less a hole where you insert and turn a standard key. The dashboard is funky to say the least, never before have I seen a beautiful wooden crevice where you could store a handful of smart phones or a bag of rice in the middle of a dashboard.

Performance is adequate. It’s about like a 4 cyl camry or accord – enough power to get out of it’s own way but that’s about it. It has a nice electronic whirr sound when you get going which is neat. I got the car up to about 90 mph and it still felt stable. However, at low speeds do not try to hot rod around a corner as a the somewhat tall body and very skinny tires make you feel like you’ll roll the thing.

I kind of like the shifter, you twist it with an indicator light telling you whether you’re about to go forward or backward. Cabin feels roomy enough.

At $45k it’s priced about where you’d expect a small EV BMW to come in, but the biggest limiting factor is range. 180 miles even with the gas range extender isn’t going to sell many people, including me. Guess I’ll wait for the Tesla 3 like everyone else.

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